When Mehlville-Oakville Patch?asked for stories from veterans who deserve special recognition this Veterans Day, April Bobbish submitted this story of Ashley Blair, whose battle with MS has kept her from achieving the goals she had for herself in the Air Force.
Below, find a blog post from Blair about her struggles.
The MS Walk....and why I run.
I thought maybe I could explain briefly why I'm running these 30 races by my 30th birthday....I ask for money for these charities, but I don't often explain why...Here's just a tiny bit of word vomit for your reading pleasure.???
For the better half of a decade now, MS has sucked the life out of me.?
I used to be a personable, moderately outgoing person who loved life.?
When I initially began to exhibit the symptoms (which I'm being told was my first flare up) I lost control of my bladder. Not just a little tinkle when you sneeze but a full out, "someone pass the depends" out of the clear blue nowhere.?
That's not exactly fun when you're 23 years old. Since that initial onset, I've had loss of function in my right arm for almost an entire month, numbness or paralysis of body parts, loss of vision, fatigue that could knock the socks off of anyone, depression, and balance problems that cause me to fall down. In the middle of the floor, down a flight of stairs, while walking...just whenever. It's pretty much made my life obnoxious from one day to the next.??
I got to a point (and am still kind of there) where I've given up. Given in. Decided that MS was just going to ruin everything for me. I had no friends who I could talk to daily (maybe because I bitch too much; maybe because I never made any real friends). MS was causing a strain on my marriage, setting burden on family members and making me a recluse.?
MS killed my hopes, my dreams and my ambitions. If you know me, you know I LOVED being in the Air Force. It's all I talked about from 6 years old until the day I enlisted. Eat. Sleep. Breathe.. World's Greatest Air Force. I did NOT want to end my career so quickly. I did not want, with one MRI to be told, sorry SSGT Blair...you are not worldwide qualified. You are not retainable. Just thinking about that first meeting in the Captain's office still makes my stomach turn. This stupid disease ripped the one thing from me I wanted the most for myself...my entire life. Talk about feeling lost. Ashley Blair without a uniform was Ashley Blair without Chris Blair...or Ashley Blair without a kiddo in tow...something is askew.
I didn't want to EVER take the shots. I HATE needles... but I did...and felt so sick. SO, so sick...I decided to not bother with them anymore. Was that the wrong choice? Only time will tell. But the shots weren't a cure. They weren't even a fix. They're a "disease modifying drug" - basically they buy me time between exacerbations- "flare ups". To me, a little more time between BIG STUFF- wasn't worth the feeling crappy daily. I've got 4 little ones to take care of. I've got life to think about. A husband who needs a spouse, not to come home and have to take care of me. So I'm taking my chances.??
I personally fundraise for the NMSS to try to find a dang cure. Not a quick fix that may or may not work but something to stop these little spots on my brain from spreading. Something that gives me hope for my future...that I'll be normal. That I won't one day be walking through the grocery store, minding my own business and not be able to go through my purse because my hand has just lost it's mind...or my foot doesn't exist anymore (think like sitting on your foot and trying to walk on it with the pins and needles....only out of nowhere).??
I fundraise and walk because one day I may not be able to walk. I walk for the people who can't walk. For the people that are even more embarrassed than me about this disease. I fundraise and walk in hopes that my children don't grow up ashamed that their mom is "different". So that I can stand up and cheer at their baseball games...so I can play a catch, so I can play tag....so I can walk them into their classrooms on their first day of Kindergarten.??
Does it sound menial? Maybe to you...but to me this mess means everything. It's messed with my motor skills, my vision and my cognition. I've taken 20 minute showers because I can't remember if I washed my hair.?
I've forgotten where I was driving.?
I'm only 29 years old but I'm trapped in a 70 year old's body.??The Gateway Chapter of the NMSS is awesome because they do so much for people with MS. Aside from research funding, they host support groups- programs with speakers-even make care baskets for homebound people with MS. They spend their time, money and energy making sure the 6,000 people in the St.Louis area with MS never feel alone. And I am grateful for that.??
So- that's why I ask you for your help with donating....but more why I ask you to walk with me. Because I need a hug sometimes...and sometimes I don't have anyone to get one from.?
The National MS Society's Challenge Walk in Washington DC was supposed to be my 30th run. The icing on my happy birthday cake.....but....I'm going to have to re-evaluate that goal. I would need to raise $1000 JUST to be able to attend. Instead, I'm running each of these 30 races for OTHER causes.....Backstoppers, Girls on the Run, Cardinals Care, Jobs for Jeffco....etc. Honestly, it's the least I can do.??
At 23, I was told I would be lucky if I had full mobility at 30. Here I am looking at my 29th birthday...I'm taking a leap into a career field I've only dreamt about. I *HAVE* to keep moving. I *have* to keep trying. To walk is to concede. To accept that I'm broken? That's a slippery slope that I'm not willing to look at. I've looked at this goal with trepidation. I'm scared to death....but it's huge to me. It's what I need to do to validate to myself that I'm worth it. It's something my kids can look at when I'm....not the same....and say man. My mom ran half-marathons 6,7 years after she was diagnosed with MS. Hell...did you know they have wheelchair marathons?! I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in...but I am not too proud to admit that I'm looking twice around every corner. Every morning when I put my foot down, I pray that it's plantar fascitis and not MS affecting my foot. I lost my big toenail...it hurt like hell and looks gnarly, but know what? I ran....I ran far and I ran hard. I earned that battle scar. I'm sucking this all up.?
So when I ask you to donate to x cause for the bazillionth time...please know....I am not doing it because I like annoying you. I carefully chose which races I decided to run. I chose causes that are near to my heart for a multitude of reasons. Even if you can't donate, I just ask that you share my link and my story...and maybe someone else has a dollar they're willing to share. I'm just a girl...a girl with 18 more races to run in 12 months. A girl who is going to use her legs until they give up...???
Thanks for reading this- It was actually quite therapeutic-??Ashley
Source: http://mehlville-oakville.patch.com/articles/one-veteran-s-story-struggling-with-multiple-sclerosis
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